Cheers And Fears: The Debate Over Kiddush Clubs

June 30th, 2009

A recent opinion piece in The Jewish Week by three doctors expressing alarm about so-called kiddush clubs, a phenomenon mostly found in Modern Orthodox shuls, was bound to generate some controversy.

Check next week’s letters page for some pro and con responses.

Whether or not rabbis should allow shul members to step out of services, usually during the Torah reading, to enjoy a private kiddush of mostly liquor and some snacks is a question that probably dates back through generations.

But it came to a head four years ago when the Orthodox Union’s board of directors adopted a resolution urging its member shuls to put an end to this practice. One concern is that it may contribute to alcohol abuse among adults or plant the seeds of it in the adolescents to whom those adults are role models.

Another is the disrespect such a practice shows to the congregation, arguably to the Torah itself, the person reading it and the rabbi, whose sermon will often go unheard by club members.

The definition of kiddush, after all, is the creation of holiness.

Some would argue that kiddush clubs are only one part of a general apathy toward health and good habits at shul. We ply our kids with candy to reward them for attendance. The typical shul kiddush or lunch is a textbook study of bad menu choices, laden with fatty beef, artery-blocking kugel, salty fish and processed sugar-rich cakes, all washed down by sugary soft-drinks and liquor. These meals are often followed by long afternoon naps rather than a brisk walk to burn some calories.

But the kiddush club is a particularly telling social phenomenon that deserves to be studied under its own microscope.

In doing so, any sociologist would see that their popularity is a result of the stress regularly endured by Orthodox men who, even with the increasing frequency of dual income homes, still bear primary responsibility for the costs associated with the religious life of large families. Those costs include yeshiva tuition, shul dues, the purchase of ritual items, charitable obligations and the cost of celebrating milestones.

Anyone who struggles with these burdens knows that middle class is lower class in this environment while upper class often means just staying afloat.

Most Orthodox Jews would not feel comfortable going to bars after hours to blow off steam. And so for many, the kiddush club becomes the place “where everyone knows your name,” to quote the theme of the popular 80s sitcom “Cheers.” The founders and key members of these clubs are often people who run businesses or work long hours at legal, medical or financial practices.

While everyone inside the shul sanctuary can identify with their burdens, disruptive talking is prohibited and so the prayer service for some becomes another formal, rigid environment that echoes the work week.

The environment at a kiddush club closely mirrors that of a tavern, with talk of sports or politics, the telling of jokes (often off-color) and laughter as abundant as the supply of single-malt Scotch.

But despite their attractive nature, it’s hard to argue with critics of kiddush clubs. Some overindulge (a bottle of Scotch rarely makes two appearances at a Kiddush club, unless it’s domestic). The majority of participants will not go back into services when the tap runs dry. Children come into shul looking to sit with their fathers, and know exactly where they’ve gone when the seat is empty.

While socializing with peers can be an acceptable answer to stress, drinking surely is not.

“People who react to stress by drinking are on their way to becoming alcoholics,” says Rabbi Abraham Twerski, who is also a doctor and addiction counselor. “Especially when they leave davening and have a few shots downstairs, then come up and finish davening, and have a few more shots afterward [at the main Kiddush].”

Rabbi Twerski is in favor of an all out ban on Kiddush clubs.

“First of all, Kiddush should not be made until after davening,” he says. “It’s an insult to the shul and a terrible example for kids, who have to be taught to have respect for the shul.”

Jewish alcoholism, he says, is on the rise.

“It is much more prevalent than when I was a kid,” he says. “In those years, a country club would not accept a Jewish wedding or a bar mitzvah because they couldn’t make money on the alcohol. These days, they are scrambling for our business. We’ve picked up drinking as a way of life and it is having a horrendous effect on kids.”

But prohibition is no simple matter. Rabbis know that if they seek a ban, and the club continues anyway, the rabbi’s authority is diminished, and often they would face a battle with prominent shul members, major donors or officers who can’t be threatened with expulsion. It takes a well-entrenched rabbi to put his foot down.

But even those who fit that bill should avoid looking at kiddush clubs as a problem unto itself, rather than a byproduct of a lifestyle that, while not without substantial rewards, has a potential toll.

“Sure, the financial burdens create stress,” said Rabbi Twerski. “But drinking or drugs is not a solution. There are hundreds of programs for stress management, but you have to want to do it.”

Post your thoughts about kiddush clubs below or email: Continuumblog@yahoo.com.

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When The Levee Breaks (Or, When The Levys Go Broke)

May 5th, 2009

2 Responses to “When The Levee Breaks (Or, When The Levys Go Broke)”

  1. anonymous Says:

    This is ridiculous. Yeshiva tuition is NOT the problem. It’s the insistence that MO jews with kids in Yeshiva have to live in big houses. I was one of the few kids in my yeshiva day school class who grew up in a rented apartment, and I was ashamed. My parents felt they couldn’t afford a home and yeshiva tuition. The attitude in the MO community towards people who reveal that they don’t have the money to buy a ridiculously expensive home is one of disapproval and ridicule. As a friend of mine said recently - living in a rented apartment with kids who go to Yeshiva “just isn’t done”. You have to be rich to be MO. To afford the home and all the attendant expenses, tuition, camp, etc. in the NY metro area, you have to be pulling in at least $250,000.00 per year. If you don’t, then I guess you’re just considered to be irrelevant. MO jews don’t worship G-d, they worship money. I am completely disgusted by this situation.

  2. David Geller Says:

    Very perceptive article.

    Here in Los Angeles, we’re witnessing the demise of the few remaining Hebrew Day Schools. This year in our children’s Hebrew day School, there is only one class per grade (1-8th) and in some cases, fewer than 10 students per class. By next year, we will most likely need to put our children in public school simply for lack of choice.

    A Jewish education is generally more expensive in the Los Angeles area than in NY (typical tuition is $16k - $20k per child for grade school, $25k per child for high-school). People simply don’t have the means to continue in these schools and, quite frankly, the level of education in Hebrew Day Schools is far inferior to that which is offered in other private schools and even in many public schools.

    Here, too, the blame falls squarely on the larger Jewish institutions and dwindling Jewish communities. Yes, it’s a matter of over-expansion during boom times, but at least here it is equally a failure to present Jewish education as a thing of value to the enormous Jewish population in L.A. We have a financial crisis on top of a crisis of leadership in the Jewish community.

    The vast majority of Conservative and Reform Jewish families in L.A. have little or no interest in providing their children with a Jewish education. As a result, the Jewish schools sit empty and are taking a double hit with a less affluent population and an almost non-existent pool of potential students. Yet, there is a Jewish population in L.A. that rivals that of Tel Aviv.

    What a shame.

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Confessions Of A Reluctant Seder Leader

April 12th, 2009

2 Responses to “Confessions Of A Reluctant Seder Leader”

  1. Norm Green Says:

    I found your comments fascinating, and the descriptionof your seders depressing. The seders of my childhood followed the traditional text and omitted none of it, even as we plowed through Grace after meals, Hallel and Nishmas all in English, quite boringly. My cousins were not interestedin much of it, and most regard it as an unpleasant ordeal.

    At our sedorim feature almost everybody joins in singing all of Hallel, Bircas HaMazon and the other songs, plus a couple in English (including the Morror song, which I wrote). We have lively discussions on various parts of the Haggaddah, and somebody always tells us what it was like for him or her when we came out of Egypt. But we seldom multiply the plagues, and Nishmas gets delayed until Shachris. And as for the relatives who prefer something much shorter, we invite them for Friday night or 7th or 8th night, or even Sunday brunch, when we can enjoy Pesachdik foods, have just a bit of ritual and converse about anything at all.

    This year we were invited to our son for 2nd Seder; it was wonderful. The discussion about morror was more profound than any I’ve heard before. We went from 7:30 until 1, but still didn’t have time for Nishmas. (And the only adult who fell asleep was one of the guests who happens to be a rabbi.)

  2. arnold d samlan Says:

    As a parent who is finally in the closing few years of his career paying day school tuitions, I can empathize with those who still have many years left on this journey. I certainly agree that the day schools cannot be faulted for the tuition situation; nobody is getting rich on the tuitions and most schools have significantly reduced many programs and services.

    I’m not sure when day schools were affordable to all, or whether they ever were. But it became clear in the last half of the 20th century that in the modern Ashkenazi Orthodox world, day school education moved from being an option to becoming accepted as mandatory for its children [Among non-Orthodox, who generally did not sponsor the day schools, it depended on the particular community].

    The one area in which day schools have had mixed results is that of education in which the outlook of the school provides a unified vision (if not an integrated curriculum) of what the educated Jew knows, believes and feels. And yet, with mixed results, that is truly the only outcome that advocates for a day school approach; arguably, education in which “Jewish studies” take place for half the day and “General studies” the other half is no better than public school by day and Hebrew school in the afternoon.

    There are a few challenges standing in the way of what was suggested in the blog piece. First, the modern Orthodox community would need to support public education. Currently, some Orthodox communities landed in places in which the public schools were less than excellent. That would no longer be acceptable. Secondly, a system of afternoon education would need to be developed, at a time at which the entire system of congregational / supplementary education is begin reexamined. Thirdly, some of the socialization opportunities for Orthodox children, which have become part of many day schools’ operation, would need to be reinvented outside the day school structure.

    This is a time that calls for experimentation. Day schools thus far are still strong and are likely to continue to be strong. But it may no longer be possible for it to remain as the only available option.

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Our Selective Outrage

March 11th, 2009

One Response to “Our Selective Outrage”

  1. Jeff Reznik Says:

    I wonder Adam, along with your name recognition query about a religious ties query. How many people know the religious leaning or heritage of Sedlacek, McLendon, Borukhova, Mozilo, cho (or for that matter Blagojevich) as compared to those who know the religion of Madoff!

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